I’m still working to master the tough conversation.
Last night at an event I was confronted by someone telling me of a break in integrity I’d had with them 4 years ago. I’m embarrassed and confused. I can’t remember him or the circumstance he’s referring to. I apologize as best I can for my part in what is obviously a communication breakdown. I walk away upset and I know the conversation does not feel complete. I find Jill Fischer, who is a friend and not only an excellent speaker but an excellent coach. I ask her to help me work through it.
She listens to me vent, then asks “How do you want to frame this? What do you want to make it mean?”
“I want to make him wrong” I admit. “It doesn’t feel nice to raise an issue that’s 4 years old. I feel side-swiped” I can hear the judgment and assumption of guilt in my words.
“What’s the pay-off to you, of feeling that way?” Jill asks
“I get to be right. And self-righteous.” I admit.
“How important do you think that situation was to him?” Jill asks.
“He’s remembering me from a single meeting 4 years ago.” I admit. “He obviously thought it was important. That our meeting was important to him.” The situation starts to reframe in my mind.
“OK he was awkward in raising it. I’m awkward at tough conversations too.” I admit. And memory begins to return of what really happened. A group I am assigned to that I have to leave. An email sent to the group apologizing and informing them that I am leaving. Some of the emails bounce. I assume that the rest of the group will inform those whose emails are not working. Communication breakdown.
The coaching enables me to complete the conversation with him. He’s an interesting person and truly very kind. Memory floods back of having met him 4 years ago. And I am acutely aware that I would have avoided him in embarrassment in the absence of completing things.
I’ve learned that true intimacy and trust, whether it be in business or personal relationships lie in the tough conversation. And I’m still struggling with getting really masterful at them.
My early training, from my childhood, is to always be nice. Not particularly conducive to the tough conversation. I’ve lost more than one relationship for failing to be truly honest in the service of being nice. So the following are as much declarations for myself as they are tips I’m recommending:
1. Don’t delay having tough conversations, raise them in the moment. It doesn’t get easier with delay.
2. Don’t rehearse the tough conversation. It creates expectations and stories that might not be true. If you need to get coaching instead.
3. Avoid making assumptions and creating stories about what things might mean. It’s violating to the other person to assume motives, or details.
4. Stay in the world of the other person. Comparisons to yourself or other people can easily create competition instead of empathy.
Assertive-Assertiveness Being assertive and up front and honest in the moment is the most important all the time every time I think through out life – Simple as that.
Very inspirational, honest, and straightforward. Thanks for sharing!
Great article! I always hated those awkward moments like that as well. Just have to set aside our own ego and hit it head on and see how it plays out. Otherwise you could miss opportunities to engage with people.
Well someone has to be real mude if dont know how to manage a conversation and a good one!
Awesome training and development Teresa!
You were courageous and highly coach-able – you even sought me out and requested coaching! That’s shows a real commitment to yourself and the people in your world. Thank you for sharing and leadership. xox
Thanks Jill. Deeply appreciate you. 🙂
Matthew 10:14
If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet
very nice! thanks!
I still find tough conversation, well, tough.
“Approach every new connection as your next best friend and not your next sale”
Value the person from the get go. That will make the tough conversations a bit easer.
That is deep stuff. Tough convos are difficult, but often needed.
I sort of get the don’t rehearse idea, but I also like to be prepared. Perhaps I would rather say: respond authentically in the moment instead of giving a prepared speech.
Thanks for your honesty in this share, Teresa! It’s inspirational to hear your struggles, declarations, and recommendations.
I agree that true intimacy and trust lay in the tough conversations. This way we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and seen. Otherwise, we create walls between ourselves and others as well as building up resentments.
I’m a proponent of Non Violent Communication and teach it to my clients when they are have relationship difficulties. It’s a powerful, non – blaming communication model that takes the emotional charge and reactivity out of the conversation.
Thanks Cheryl. Appreciate your thoughts.